Quite shocked to learn that the essay I sent in for the Commonwealth essay Competition actually got a Highly Commended!   Gwen gave me a scare when she said there was a prize for that...but I checked juz now and it's juz a cert [a bit disappointed...] But I really never expected it...yet maybe a Highly Commended isn't a big deal after all, so many people got the same...
  ¶ 7:10:00 午後

  can't wait till "Iza, Now" arrives!!! probably at least a couple of wks b4 it does...in the meantime I shall go down to HMV every week to check out when I can order Hero/Hitomi no naka no Galaxy. And then there are all the mags...wink up, duet, potato, Myojo...that will carry interviews and such on the album. Yup, July and August will probably always be hole-in-the-pocket months for me!

Yesterday's tuition class will really noisy--and fun! LOL December, Gladys, Clarence...(what's the other guy's name?) and I were the main ones joking around here and there with Mr Azmi...In Japanese I'd say we were all being tsukkomi making dun of each other here and there LOLz...and poor December, as usual, was the main victim (?) The others were as usual, very quiet. But I love a lively class who interact with the teacher.
Not one who doesn't pay attention to the teacher at all, or one that's so quiet u don't know if they're dead or something (like my class in school during certain lessons).


  ¶ 7:00:00 午後

  Feeling better...but I really don't know how our friendship became like this...a change of heart on my part? Its as if over time, the little things that irked me added up and became something big...things that I used to be able to brush aside are now extremely irritating...Then I'm like, if I'm really her friend why can't I just accept it? But I guess a lot of friendships go through this phase...first u get along really well, then u start getting irritated, but if the friendship survives through this phase u'd probably be closer than ever.

But I sense...instability...in more than one part...it's scaring me.

Why can't I just talk to her? Guess I'm just a coward? But she's been through so much...I'm afraid that she'll slip down that abyss again. I'm still concerned about her no matter what...I just want to have some time off for a while. Didn't know maintaining a friendship was so hard. And I'm getting tired...of having to try to comrfort someone who keeps being depressed...of trying to talk someone into coming to school for tests...of trying to calm her down and assure her. I wish she were more cheerful, that she had a brighter, more easy going personality...and I'm feeling guilty for wishing that.

The Iro board is down...:(

I've a bad feeling I'm going to do badly for today's oral. When I walked out of the hall, I suddenly recalled so many other othings I could have said. It was really cold, and that in part kind of ruined my concentration cuz it's hard for me to really 'feel' what I'm saying when I'm shivering. :P But what's done is done and I can only hope.

I think she senses that our friendship needs a temporary cool off too. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way. But if this goes on it may become unreparable.
  ¶ 6:42:00 午後

  I'm having certain feelings I shouldn't be having, and I feel bad about it, but somehow I can't help it....it's something that nags and irritates me occasionally, and then I feel bad about it. Part of me just wishes to escape, but I know I can't--can't just pull out like this because there are going to be repercussions...so I stick and bear with it and hope it will blow over. I won't elaborate further because its private, but it's nothing nice.
Why am I hanging on?
 
I guess I need space...but don't I have enough already? Then why do i feel so suffocated and upset? Why does she have to come and intrude into this other side of my life as well?
Why does she have to be so uptight just about all the time? To take things so seriously? It's scary, and I'm scared off by too much seriousness. I thrive on laughter, jokes, take-it-easy carefree characters...the extreme opposite overwhelms and burdens me...
 
I just want to scream it all out, wish someone would help me find a solution that won't hurt anyone else, but as I said, I shouldn't be having those feelings and I'll have to hope it blows over. Though feelings can't be helped.
 
I see a bit of myself in her, and I'm horrified...is that how I really act? Well I'm really really gonna try myse;f to tone it down. She really is--I dun want to say what. But because we have some similarities--hoping it's not more than what I think it is--does that mean I'm just like what she is?
 
Why do things always have to change at this time of the year?
  ¶ 5:48:00 午後

  Gonna make this fast, it's nearly 10.30pm and I have a competition tmr...
Firstly, about BU Day on Friday.
Jeans have been around for a long, long time...it's not entirely correct to say that jeans are not retro, because bellbottomed jeans are. I'm afraid I don't have bell bottoms though, so I just wore my green cinched waist off-the-shoulder top with the words 'LOVE' in yellow-polka dotted red and a wide studded belt with the widest legged jeans I could find in my closet...actually, it wasn't the widest legged pair of paints that I had, but the other one was more 3/4s than long jeans :P Thought I looked quite okay, cuz Mum said actually dressing then was quite similar to today's, just that bright striking colours and patterns were in and black was out. Toned down pastels do NOT look retro...well, there was 3/4 ppl in our class in school uniform (:P), a few of the remaining 1/4 decided to play safe in the ever classic normal t-shirt and jeans (nothing wrong, t-shirt and jeans will always be in fashion.), and the rest were more like retro accents, with short skirts (though not in the bright colours/psychedelic patterns that were in then)...type of clothes correct, colours all wrong... except for Cheryl Sim's psychedelic patterns shirt though! whoa XD I honestly feel that she was the most in-theme person in the class.

My original idea was to come to school in the 1960s/70s biker girl look, with really straight hair, black clothes and tight miniskirt, and jacket (Didn't have a black leather jacket so would have to make do with a denim one instead), and bandanna. But it didn't look too mainstream so....:( If makeup was allowed...wow, I could go crazy with smokey eyes and white lipstick LOL provided I dun wear glasses.

I used to be really crazy about the 70s era :) That was in primary school, and I researched almost every single thing about it, most of all the fashions.

Let's not talk about that. 50m back heats tomorrow, and mine's the 2nd heat of the 2nd event of the 2nd session! I'll be content with a timing below 49s...fat hope. I'll do my best, but Mrs B Tan will still be disappointed *sigh*. I really feel bad about it, I just don't have the will or passion to really go out there anymore, because i know there are so many others much faster than me, and It's nearly impossible to catch up. So I'm like, why am I even trying anyway? When u wear yourself out trying ur best and there's only disappointment in the end...

200m freestyle on thursday. Do I even have the stamina? I haven't exactly been training for this event...after all, even during normnal trainings we do short distance sprints, rarely long distance. We did do 200m free once during training today, and to see all my friends overtaking me, so far ahead, when I'm the one competing in it during the Nats...I got tired after 100m. Tried not to slacken and slow my arms down, and to catch up, but they were so far ahead. I really regret actually volunteering to take 200free...wish I'd pressed on and insisted on changing to 100 instead, but it's too late. I was wishing I'd fall seriously ill with a vomiting fit that day...thought if getting myself DQed, but a DQ would be a disgrace to the school and the team, and i can't be so selfish...I guess I just have to go ahead and make myself do it.
Wish me luck.  ¶ 10:26:00 午後