lolz, I don't know why I seem to be able to make friends more easily in training than in school!!
It's as if the moment I step out of school i'm realeased from all the bindings and chains that make me feel so uncomfortable and restrict me from really being myself.
It's not that I'm not myself when I'm in school, I still am, but not completely...only those who hang out with me a lot really know me...
The quiet girl who may seem snobby and stand-offish at times, but who's really lost deep in her own thoughts, is just one side...
Yet when she breaks out of her thoughts, if she's with someone she truely feels comfortable with, she'll be her real, true, crazy self
Crazy, always smiling...but easily hurt and upset...
I can be nice to ppl...but nobody likes EVERYONE...I can be nasty, in a subtle way, to the ppl I really dislike, but it's just not me to really go and confront them, or tell them to their face, or swear or yell at them...only when I'm really pushed to my limit do I tell them off.
I just try to stay away/ignore the ppl I don't like, but it's hard.
I know I should be concentrating more on my loved ones, those who love me for who I am, faults, weaknesses and all. After all, nobody's perfect. I accept that. Though it's hard to accept sometimes.
There are some things you can change to improve yourself, but you can't change your entire personality and be someone you're not.
If you have to change your entire personality so that someone will like you, why not use that energy to find someone who can accept you for who and what you are--and loves you for it--instead?
In Primary school, when I had a crush on reynaldo...we were complete opposites...I thought I had to change myself completely so that he would notice me...
I didn't have to. we became friends, even though I was just being myself...
But you know what? Reading my old journals dating from then, when I gushed on and on about him; and then looking at my feelings for him and ideals now, I *WAS* really naive and immature then. Blinded by what I thought was love. I'm glad it didn't work out...
I'll try not to care so much about the insults...I'll take the constructive criticisms, suggestions for improvement...but I'll ignore the name-calling...
It makes me sad, thinking that we used to be good friends.
How did things turn out this way?
But it makes me want to treasure even more the friendships that I have now, because those who like me just the way I am are so much more precious...:) I'm beginning to care about ppl again...to want to help them, to worry for them, from the bottom of my heart.
Open your heart...