I think my 'best friend' hates me. K. It's up to her to do what she wants. I'll show her she's not the only friend I"ve got. What kind of 'friend' is that? ....Wonder if he you-know who ’N?? is talking about is yours truly...seems like it. She said that I don't know that many of my friends hate me. Sou desu ka? They wouldn't be my friends if they hate me right? It's be more correct to say that many PEOPLE hate me. Kemono tachi.(Gwen, it's ok, you can ask me if u don't know what I mean. I'm dropping Jap words to make sure some ppl won't understand.) No wonder a candy bar can turn into an icicle in 8 months. It feels like I don't know her any more...?????????????¢?q????????...why doesn't she tell me? But I already get the feeling from her behavior. It's over. I can't turn my feelings on and off. I'm supposed to be her friend when she wants to me to be, and keep quiet, not bother her, and NOT be her friend when she wants it. Fine. Yes I'm upset. I should know better than to let THOSE PPL bother me...sometimes I really wish I had someone to talk to...a counsellor who would understand and give good advice, not stuff like "Just ignore them". I don't see much that's irritating about myself. okay, I
1. crack dumb jokes
2.say dumb stuff
3. sing a LOT
U're not going to like this...December, u should know, a few times I was so upset at certain people I called them names that I normally wouldn't use. There are 2 ppl in particular. The ones that I thought would be bad aren't that bad, the ones whom I thought would be nice have shown their true colours. And it feels as if a 3rd person has been possessed.
Staring at Nino's and Ohno's smiles( my Duet is open on my table). Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be them. Are they really what they appear to be? For all u know they're like Tomoya Nagase's Sakuraba Yuuichiro in Muko-dono--a public personae different from the private one. I see them smile; are they really happy or is it faked? When you're a star, even when you're really sad you still have to keep a happy face.
Did they notice I was nearly crying just before English lesson? I stared 5 stories down at the ground outside the MEP room, wondering what they would do if I just swung over and jumped all the way down...I'm having suicidal thoughts again...I told myself i have to be strong but sometimes I still wonder if all would be better if I just wasn't alive. But THEY"D be gloating. They wouldn't feel sorry. Their hearts are too black. It's not worth it, ne?
No matter how many times I curse them, in my heart I don't really want them to die...it's just that when I'm angry at someone I just imagine a sword/knife etc slicing off her head, stabbing through her heart etc. If that really happened they wouldn't have enough heads even if they had 100000000 of them. It's wrong to even imagine that but sometimes I feel so angry I just can't help it. Why them? I wish they'd get transferred out of the class. Out of this school. I'm not that good after all. I've been showing my dark side.
Do you know how many times I've stabbed you in my mind's eye? It still can't make up for the times you backstabbed me.
I have to learn to move on...and not care about them. But they know I care about what people think of me and they're playing on it
I should really take psychology in the future. It's interesting, isn't it? I'd like to know how those ppl think.
You're right. You do belong in Slytherin. You've changed so much from the person I used to know. You're disappearing day by day, replaced by a monster. I knew u'd have a dark side, but it's gotten worse. where's the innocence I knew?
I wish I had my P6 class back again...sometimes a neighbourhood school where everyone helps each other and is close to each other is better than being in a good school with backstabbing bitches (there, I've said it) and people with their noses so high I'm surprised they don't bump into walls while walking. yet.
Starting a letter to Alisia, she did ask me to write to her around a wk ago but I never got to it. Gomen ne. I hope you haven't changed for the worse. Not like some ppl.