I often wonder, what are friends, really? And are they that important?
Some people have never been lonely...others have been lonely for so long, they adapt to it, and can't stay for long somewhere where there are a lot of people. Me, I don't know, sometimes I'd rather be with a few people, just chatting and doing stuff, yet other times, I just feel better being alone....
It seems that so many of my friends don't stay for long...after a few years, we drift apart...some of them get sick of me after a few months, yet others...friends like Alisia, 'December' etc have stayed for years :) I really hope that in this class, this school, I'll make good friendships which will last for years, too.
It seems that I like people who appear cheerful and optimistic most of the time, rather than people who are full of self-pity and pessimistic. Who at least try to smile, instead of putting on a gloomy, black face all day long. Of course, not everyone can be cheerful all the time--not even me, no matter how many lame jokes I try to crack. Still, I hate to hear people complaining no matter how much i complain myself.
People are ironic aren't they? I keep contradicting myself yet I still feel that. I guess that's human nature.
It's kind of silly of me, but I realised that whatever I've been doing recently, like studying harder than I have the whole year etc, were all with Sho in mind. I have in imaginary world in my mind, set not now, but in the future, and it changes with my interests. It's what I want my future to be--no matter how fantastical it may seem. And right now, in that imaginary future, a few years from now, I'm a media personality, a versatile actress who sings well, and speaks 3 languages and at least 3 dialects fluently. A media darling, with poise and charisma, who knows how to answer questions skillfully, and twist around over-intrusive ones, and whom the media respects. A stunning dancer, with the looks to match. Hey, it's my fantasy, my dream, you can't limit that or u'd be straight , narrow minded!! And of course, this mischievous media darling wins Sho's heart...
Studying to be a journalist at a prestigious Ivy League university, with a minor in psychology and linguistics...exchange programmes with China's Qinghua U and Japan's Todai/Keio (hey, she's multilingual!)...who returns after graduation to be Singapore's Japan correspondent...who occasionally tags along as a translator to Arashi's overseas concerts...who gets to interview the Johnny's idols, one of the few who's just like a friend to them, a reporter who actually understands them, having been, just like them, a popular star as well. Her beauty is not just physical, but shines from within as well
It's really fantasical isn't it? And some of that is even impossible--I'll never be stunningly beautiful...but I want to get as close to that as possible. To think more before I speak, and to speak the 3 languages as well as possible--in my fantasies, 'she' speaks Japanese so fluently those who didn't know beforehand are shocked to learn that she wasn't a native speaker and adding to that, learnt the whole language herself. I want to learn my languages well, and as for Japanese, be even better than those who take 3rd language. I want to do really well in my studies, and be well read,knowledgable and witty--the perfect match for Sho, in more ways than one.
And still, 'she' never loses her humility, never forgets her friends, her family, and all those who helped her. 'Her', with her sunshine smile...never putting on airs, as if she wasn't even famous...
The reporter who is as objective as possible, a serious face while reporting the news, yet bantering, teasing and maybe even flirting with the stars she interviews...
Someone whom Sho loves....
It's silly, I know it can't come true, and I already feel so exposed, putting this up here. This is something I want to share with my close friends, those who know who i really am, those who wouldn't laugh or say, "Wake up lah, u think you're so good ah?" People who wouldn't say, "You're disgusting, thinking of that. Look at yourself, and look at that fantasy. It's too much!!" I know that, I don't you to say that!!! Let me continue dreaming and trying to go as close to that dream as possible. It's my motivation. Don't try to wake me up, I'm not so lost in that fantasy that I don't know what reality is any more.
Truthfully, I hate people who so rudely put people down and wake them up from their dreams. Is it wrong to dream? As long as you can tell dreams apart from reality, I don't think there's anything wrong. In dreams, nothing is too extreme. Use your dreams as your motivation, and life has so much more meaning. It's our dreams that make us feel more self-worthy, that give us hope. Yet when someone tells us, "Aiya, you can never be like that lah, go and look at yourself in the mirror!!", even though we know it ourselves, those harsh words break so cruelly into the dream, and bring us crashing down to earth. And it hurts so badly, we get aftershocks, and for a while--or maybe, forever--don't dare to dream again, having felt the pain of dreams being broken.
I don't like people who don't imagine, who think straight, square and one way all the time. Who memorise straight without going into further thought. Who can't see possibilities, or dare to dream about possibilities. Who don't dare to take risks, no matter how little.