Heyz Gwen, thanks :) Actually, I think everyone's gifted in their own ways, it's just that sometimes this 'giftedness' is more prominent in some ppl than others...
The drama workshop thing was fun, but, as usual, I didn't feel like I fit in very well, even with enthu ppl like Cheryl, Ching Yi, Wenhan etc... I felt kind of out, probably cuz I don't usually hang out with their clique...But they are nice though:) I thought I'd try to mix around more...especially now...sigh...Did I try to be spontaneous? Yes, but not that much...I still can't get over that shyness. I just threw my 'face' away and tried my best, but somehow, especially in front of that huge group of critical eyes, I couldn't be as 'free' as i wanted to. A lot of the ppl whom I don't get along with are in LD...alot of those in LD whom I know have attitude problems. But there are the nice ones as well...and the ones whom you thought were nice but actually aren't.
People who read this, please please please DON'T tell Maybelline ok? I'm really upset with the way she's treating me. I don't know what's wrong, but her attitude towards me has changed so much. We used to be such good friends--recess together, lunch together, sitting together, talking about a lot of stuff. But I think some of you have noticed, this hasn't been the case lately. Someone asked me, "Are you and Maybelline friends or not?" If you asked me that a few months ago, I would say without hesitation, "yes", but if you asked me now, the truth is, I don't know.
I was getting irritated occasionally, it seemed like I had to have lunch with her every day, even when I didn't want top just for that day and just wanted to go home, I'd feel obliged to. But for the sake of friendship and company... No, I didn't tell anybody what I thought. Then suddenly, everything changed and we spent less and less time together. We went our separate ways for recess, and she stopped sitting beside me in the lab, in the ava room, etc etc. When so many people are avoiding you, and your 'best' friend starts doing so as well, you can't help but wonder what's wrong with you right?
She was acting like those who...well, disliked me. True, she still is friendly to me sometimes, and once in a while we still have lunch together and walk out of school together. Still, I can't help but feel that she has lunch with me or pairs up with me when we have to during class only because she has no one else to accompany her. Yes, ET is always the last choice, when there is no other way out. Do you know how that makes me feel? There are other people who are friendly to me--like you, Gwen :) but when I see everyone already paired up...
True, she has the right to have other friends. But sometimes I feel that she's forsaking me for those other friends. What's worse is that so many of those other friends are people who seem to have something against me. I just know by the looks on their faces, and the fact that they say stuff about me that they think I'll never know. But I still find out. I have my ways of knowing. When a good friend hangs out with many people who don't like you, and all of a sudden starts treating you differently, you can't help but be suspicious
Have they been influencing her? Or is it me? Or has she been influencing them? I should trust her more...but...why? why why why? She could at least try to tell me what was wrong with me. Most of the time now, when she speaks to me it's either in a very impatient tone or with those monotonous one word answers. It hurts. And there is only so much I can take.
People are going to find it strange that all of a sudden, I seem to want to join in their conversations, or their group, more. Truthfully, during times when we have to pair up and I'm the odd one out again, I feel like I'm a 3rd tyre on a bicycle when I go up to a pair and ask if I can try them. It gets much worse when I end up being more of a bother than a help. Like during the last Chem lesson. I actually forgot how to light a bunsen burner, and you should have seen the look on Stephanie's face. :P Stupid, stupid me. 1/2 the time I'm daydreaming, 1/3 of the time I'm blur and for the other 1/6 or so that's left I hardly have the chance to show what I can do.
I look at Sho's picture and I wonder, what's he really like? I know he's spontaneous and likes having an active role in group activities. he cracks a lot of jokes, some of which people may not find funny and that's when he moans about what a failure he is...of course, he's really intelligent, and it's not just results wise. He teases people a lot, sometimes way too much--and in public interviews too!! He said he's short-tempered, and I get the feeling, from the furrowed eyebrows when Jun,Nino and Aiba woke him up with that massage machine thing in the Stand Up Hawaii clip I have...but it doesn't last for long, and I love his smile, even if he hates it because of the 2 'squirrel teeth'. How would he feel if he saw me--this blur queen, who's like a female version of Aiba or Ohno, in the sense that I can be caught daydreaming or in a daze so often?
"Botto suru", the call it. "Boke ppoi."
And it does kind of describe me. I ask the lamest questions, tell the lamest jokes, say things which sound stupid--not just once in a while but most of the time. People aren't laughing. But i still want to make them laugh. So I still end up making stupid comments and talking rubbish.
Saying all this, I really feel like crying. Why? I wish I fit in and got along well with more people, but it just doesn't seem to be my nature. When I was younger I wondered if I was slightly autistic. A lot of the times, I want to be alone, but when I don't want to, it's so hard to find a group or crowd to fit into :P People give me strange stares, so much that I can't help feeling really self-conscious.
I like to dance no matter how much I look like a hippopotamus (but NOT the ones in Fantasia...), but today so many people were calling me to go up on stage and dance during assembly but I didn't, keeping in mind that fateful Fluid Fusion session when I was dancing in front and the people behind me--people I thought were my friends--were laughing at me behind. Oh, yes, it was definitely at me. Because a few of those who laughed later admitted it. I hate being laughed at when I didn't mean to crack a joke. I can be oversensitive...really, really sensitive...and some people don't care about other's feelings. How many people would care about their enemies' feelings??? If I went up on stage today, the moment I stepped onto the stage I just know that almost the whole level would erupt into laughter. My ex-2 Hope classmates have seen how klutzy I am. Despite this, when I'm just dancing at home, moving my limbs to music with no steps to follow, I know I look good.
If I just had more time to polish up my steps, just practised more, then they wouldn't have anything to laugh about. Even the best dancers need tons of practice before they get things right.
One reason I type in Jap sometimes is that I don't want CERTAIN PEOPLE to read what I'm writing, because it'd make them hate me more. I'm just trying to avoid more scathing remarks...the problem is, when I do that I exclude the friends whom I wouldn't mind sharing those private thoughts with as well--unless they read Jap. I wish I could password-protect this blog and give the password only to my most trusted friends...:P Of course, there are those whom I don't like who can read Jap...will they bother to read that blog?